It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize