I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
