just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
