drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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