I hope mine doesn't look like that
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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