My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
