i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
