every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
