My cat gives me a boner
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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