so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I smell like Dick and happiness
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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