do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize