you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
