My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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