i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
