call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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