There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
