Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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