FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
