well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize