if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
