Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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