im drinking this country out of the recession.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
