I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
