Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize