SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
