they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
