i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
