Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
