Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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