If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
