alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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