WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
