She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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