There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You have to summon your inner elephant
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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