I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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