i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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