"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize