please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
