You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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