Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
