did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
