I met the friendliest cop last night
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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