A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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