I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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