I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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