i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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