We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
