so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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