I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
