you traded sex for a burrito?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
