I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
