apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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