I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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