New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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