I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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