It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
