I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
