i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
