ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
