I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
