Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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