How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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